I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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