i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
