apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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