Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
