Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
