I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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