Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
