i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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