we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
