I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize