and you said cock pushups were impossible
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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