Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
