Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
