I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
