1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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