Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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