apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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