o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
