The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
