Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
