I think my fart just growled at me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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