everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
