i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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