I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
