Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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