She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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