Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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