My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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