Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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