i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
