how hairy? two words: wookie tits
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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