I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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