The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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