Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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