Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
