you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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