true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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