It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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