the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
