every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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