just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
