this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
