Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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