I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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