it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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