Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
