In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
