I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
