She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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