Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
