You can't motorboat a personality
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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