everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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