Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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