Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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