I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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