Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
