I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
